Red Flags That Aren't Actually Red Flags

If you spent any time on dating TikTok in the last three years, you have been told that the following are red flags: cargo shorts, owning a cat (or a dog, depending on which week), white sneakers, ordering wine wrong, being divorced, not being divorced, owning a Tesla, not owning a Tesla, being from the suburbs.

This is not advice. This is content. Some of it is fun, most of it is noise, and a not-small amount of it is actively making people single who don't need to be.

Here is a working list of things commonly called "red flags" that are actually not.

"They live with roommates / their parents"

Cost-of-living is what it is. The 2010s sitcom version of adulthood — the apartment, alone, in your 20s — was a fantasy back then and is unaffordable now. The real questions are: are they working toward something, do they have a plan, can they have a normal adult conversation. The living situation is not the data.

"They don't text back fast enough"

Some people are bad texters. Some people have jobs that don't allow them to be on their phone. Some people are introverted and reply when they have something to say instead of in real time.

None of those are red flags. Inconsistent and erratic communication can be a flag. But the average person texting back four hours later is not telling you anything except that they were four hours away from their phone.

"They have a 'normal' job"

Accountants. Insurance underwriters. Project managers. Mid-level marketers. People with normal jobs make normal money and live normal lives — which, depending on the season, is what you want, what you don't want, or what you say you don't want but actually want.

The bias is to call "interesting" jobs better — chef, founder, artist. Sometimes that's true. Often the chef works nights and weekends. Often the founder is broke and stressed. Often the project manager has hobbies, friends, and a Sunday morning routine you would love.

"They have an ex they're friendly with"

This is a green flag in disguise about 80% of the time. It means they don't burn bridges. It means they're capable of separating "this didn't work" from "this person is the enemy now." Watch for whether the ex is still in their phone in a "miss u" way. Otherwise, "we're friendly" is good.

"They want to take it slow"

People online act like wanting to pace a relationship is a warning sign. It almost always is not. Slow can mean recently divorced. Slow can mean recently hurt. Slow can mean cautious by nature. None of those are problems.

If "slow" turns into months of you bending around their availability with nothing moving forward, that's a flag. But intentional pacing in the first month is healthy adult behavior.

What's actually a red flag

Here are the ones worth keeping. Most of them aren't on TikTok.

They speak with contempt about previous partners. Not anger — contempt. The difference matters. Anger fades; contempt is a personality.
They treat service workers badly. The waiter, the Uber driver, the bartender. How they speak to people they don't need to impress is who they are.
They consistently pressure you on something after you've said no. Anything. The pace, the photos, the meeting in person, the second drink. The first time is a misread. The second time is a pattern.
The story doesn't add up. Career, location, schedule, who they live with. If small things don't track, the big things probably won't either.
They get defensive at normal questions. A grown person can answer "what happened with your last relationship?" without it becoming an interrogation.
You feel a little worse after talking to them than before. Trust this one. It's not subtle, even when you're trying to ignore it.

The right test

Forget the trend cycle. The real question is: do they make you feel more like yourself when you're around them, or less? If more, the cargo shorts are fine. If less, the perfect Instagram aesthetic is not going to save you.